Because of me. [ he grips clark's arms like he can force him to admit it, expression an open wreck of misery with all his armor torn down. everything underneath it is soft and raw and bleeding. fixated. bruce killing himself isn't something that happened to bruce, it's something happening to him, and it hurts. ]
[ he lets go of clark at that, pulling back and away in a flinch. ]
I don't want to be Batman. [ he sounds faintly bewildered at the suggestion; becoming batman was something that hadn't occurred to him until he'd been hip deep in the fight. until the joker infection. ]
[Sometimes, talking to Jason is like walking on sand. You're never sure what's under your feet or how stable it is. He wishes he could be upset about it except that he's mostly just sadness; he's well aware it's worse being the sand. All the same, his expression is a little sad and a little worn but still welcoming. He'd said the wrong thing. He was sorry.]
Maybe that's for the best. Forge your own path. How can I help you, Jason?
[ it's hardly clark's fault, he's not a mindreader. everything jason had convinced himself that he wanted in the years after the Incident are just that, things he'd built up in his mind as solutions. go back to gotham as a villain. defeat batman. kill batman. take batman's place. save batman from the joker. brick upon brick of walls he's built to give himself something to hide behind, things to get angry about. the very, very last thing he'd actually and truly wanted was to be rescued, but he'll never have that. everything afterward is... fluid. he'd wanted to beat bruce in flat out combat. he'd wanted to surrender. he'd wanted to get killed trying. he'd wanted the possession to be real so he could have his revenge. he'd wanted the possession to not be true because it would kill bruce and let the joker win. he'd wanted a million contradictory things.
what he does want is to stop hurting, and for things to stop hurting him. even clark asking that question is painful, because he doesn't know. he'd told batman in the heat of combat that there was no help for him, and he'd meant. there is nothing he can conceive of in his own tunnel-vision view of the situation that would help. ]
If I came home... [ he says softly, ]
If I surrendered, would he not do it? Would that make him change his mind?
[ it's. a child's viewpoint, actually. bargaining. ]
[ that's pretty much exactly it, yep. he doesn't say that aloud, though. he keeps his gaze averted, avoiding clark's eyes.
if he tries and it doesn't work, if he surrenders completely and gives himself over (because in his mind, that's what it is, a total collapse of every piece of armor he's tried to rebuild around himself) and bruce still decides to end his life, because jason isn't worth reversing his decision, it will destroy him. if he were on firmer psychological ground he might risk it anyway, but not like this. not right now.
but he won't insult clark by saying the words "I can't." ]
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Because of me. [ he grips clark's arms like he can force him to admit it, expression an open wreck of misery with all his armor torn down. everything underneath it is soft and raw and bleeding. fixated. bruce killing himself isn't something that happened to bruce, it's something happening to him, and it hurts. ]
He and Alfred. Because of me.
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[And his voice is gentle, but still firm.]
If you want to be Batman, this is the first true step.
[And it kills him to say that, absolutely kills him, as much because of the manipulation as because of the pieces of truth within it that he's using.]
Step forward. Take your pain and your loss and make something good from it, something that saves others from what you've had to experience.
Learn. Grow. Never forget but also don't dwell.
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I don't want to be Batman. [ he sounds faintly bewildered at the suggestion; becoming batman was something that hadn't occurred to him until he'd been hip deep in the fight. until the joker infection. ]
I want it all to stop.
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Maybe that's for the best. Forge your own path. How can I help you, Jason?
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what he does want is to stop hurting, and for things to stop hurting him. even clark asking that question is painful, because he doesn't know. he'd told batman in the heat of combat that there was no help for him, and he'd meant. there is nothing he can conceive of in his own tunnel-vision view of the situation that would help. ]
If I came home... [ he says softly, ]
If I surrendered, would he not do it? Would that make him change his mind?
[ it's. a child's viewpoint, actually. bargaining. ]
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But I don't think it would hurt.
Maybe it would show him that there's a way back. Even from the darkest places.
I don't think he knew that.
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Is that what you want me to do?
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I'd be lying if I said no.
But you have to want it. For you.
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He knows what I want. And I can't do anything about what he wants.
I don't think I'm enough to change his mind.
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if he tries and it doesn't work, if he surrenders completely and gives himself over (because in his mind, that's what it is, a total collapse of every piece of armor he's tried to rebuild around himself) and bruce still decides to end his life, because jason isn't worth reversing his decision, it will destroy him. if he were on firmer psychological ground he might risk it anyway, but not like this. not right now.
but he won't insult clark by saying the words "I can't." ]
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He's going to be here for a while. This is nothing you have to do right now, or tomorrow, or even a week from now.
You don't have to. I'd never tell you you have to do anything. And the situation is complicated enough even without this.
Just make sure that when all is said and done, you feel satisfied. That's all.